Friday, July 19, 2013

P!nk, Jillian Michaels, & Amanda Palmer

Hello to all my readers!

I know I haven't written anything in awhile and truth be told, it is because I have been depressed. It's hard to sit here and admit that my life is in a down word spiral and that I have no idea when it will end. I have been through a lot of shit over the last three years and it has started to take its toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I've lost a lot in the last three years, mostly do to a work injury that was misdiagnosed as simply having a sprained wrist. It took me losing the function of my pinky and ring finger to get the doctors and my former employer to see that this wasn't just some bullshit scheme to get money. 

I hate not working, I hate not being able to engage with people everyday. I hate that when people ask me what I did today I respond with the same response everyday 'I sat at home on my computer.' I also hate the looks that I get because I am not working and contributing to society. Many people think that I am living off of food stamps and disability but I'm not. I don't even qualify for them, so I am stuck making ends meet with the little money that I get from my LNI claim while I continue to recover from surgery. Once those checks stop I have no idea how I will pay for anything and that truly scares the crap out of me.

I am no longer in college because I got dropped for having to take to much medical leave. I was in my Master's program trying to become a therapist. 

I had the job of my dreams, only to get fired for reasons unknown to me. 

I've become so depressed that going out into the world and seeing people happy pisses me off for no good reason. 

I had to have my hand broken to fix my pinky, and they had to put in a steel plate to insure that it wouldn't go back to sitting on my ring finger. That just happened a week ago and I'm already being asked why I'm not looking for work. I would love to but my doctor says I can't even be cleared to work until he sees that my hand is not going to require a third surgery. 

My life feel like I am at a dead stop, but I have started to find a new strength to help guide me from the darkness so to speak. 

I know that I have talked about how P!nk is my hero. I will never forget the day that I saw her first music video on TV and it saved me from killing myself. I have been a huge fan of her's ever since I even have a half sleeve of tattoos to remind me that I have made it this far, that I just have to remember to 'Try.'

I've also talked about Jillian Michaels and how her books and podcasts have helped me get myself physically healthy and have started to get me to really think about my life. I am still amazed that when I saw her in Seattle and thanked her for my tweet that she knew who I was. That made me realize that if she could take the time to care about me, that it was due time that I care about me as well.

The one person I haven't mentioned that has been a driving inspiration for me, especially these last few months, is Amanda Palmer. I loved her music from the first time I heard Coin Operated Boy. She's blunt, honest, and doesn't give a fuck what people say about her and goes out and does what she loves with no censors attached on any level. She's the type of person I wish I could be, but like many others in the world I fear that following my passion will lead to me being unemployed with no hopes of paying off my debt. 

Everyday I watch as my twitter feed fills up with tweets from Amanda Palmer and I have to give the woman a lot of credit, she works her ass off but still takes time to talk to her fans. I wish I could have been in Dublin when she did her Ninja show, because really how many artists do you see do that? Just rock it out for the fans without the need to purchase a ticket, because they know that not all their fans can afford to spend the money. 

I tip my hat off to this woman on so many  levels because when someone tries to knock her down she doesn't hesitate to give them a big 'Fuck you' like she did when a news paper wrote about her wardrobe malfunction instead of her actual performance. She is fucking amazing on so many levels that she has created this eye opening experience for so many people because when you see her live, read her blog, or follow her on twitter, you get an idea of just how fucked up this world is. She isn't afraid to call people out and speak her mind about a cause even if it is controversial. She is a  force to be reckoned with and she carries herself in a way that screams 'no regrets!'

That isn't the only thing about her that make me want to one day meet her. She is open and honest about the fact that she suffers from depression. She doesn't let the stigma of people knowing, get in the way of doing a show. There aren't many celebrities out there that will stand up and say that they have a mental health issues, or an addiction, often until its to late and they end up on the front page of a every magazine known to man for dying because they let the stigma keep them from speaking up. 

Amanda I am not sure if you will actually read this blog but if you do, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for letting the youth today know that it's okay to be depressed and that it doesn't mean your life is over. I want to thank you for all the 'fuck you's that you have given to people because they deserve it. I want to thank you for being who you are and not letting society or promoters force you to change your ways in order to make money. I want to thank you for all the lives you have saved and will save with your music, your brutal honesty, and the time you take to let your fans know they are loved and that someone out there does care about them even if you can't tell them all individually. I also want to thank you for helping me realize that my life isn't over, that once I recover from however many more surgeries and month of physical therapy that there is something out there waiting for me, I just have to find it. 

One day I hope that I can meet you and sit down and just talk with you, Jillian Michaels, and P!nk. Not because of you being famous, but because I would love to hear your stories. As a fan we often want so much from the celebrities that we admire, but we rarely ever truly give back. Yes, we come to shows, yes, we buy albums, posters, movies, and swag, but most of the time we do it because we expect attention for it. I know that I have been guilty of feeling upset when I wait outside a concert only to have the celebrity rush by without signing an autograph or taking photos. 

What we as fans neglect to realize and should realize is that just like everyone else you and other celebrities are people. That is why I want to meet you all one day, so that I can give back some of the strength and inspiration that you have given me.

Maybe I am living in a pipe dream to ever think that something like this could happen. That some ordinary girl, just another face in the crowd, would ever stand out enough for one of you to say, yes, I would love to sit down one day and talk to you. If I am, it is one that I am happy to live in and whether or not it ever happens, I am here, waiting to share my life story with you but most importantly I am ready to hear your story too. I am ready to hear all the frustrations and expectations that come with being who you are. If anything I would just like to support you the way you have unknowingly supported me. I would even be willing to sign legal documents that I will not go off and sell what I've learned nor would I write anything that could benefit me financially. If anything, is really just like to be a friend, a shoulder to lean on when the world is bringing you down. This is my dream and whether or not it comes true, to all those out there, not just celebrities, please know that there is someone out there willing to listen. All you have to do is contact me and I will gladly be a shoulder for anyone to cry on because we all need that at one point in our lives right?

Take care readers! I hope I didn't bore you to much with my rambling.


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