My Dominate Hand

Hello Readers,

As some of you may or may not know, for the last three years I have had issues with my right hand. I have had to fight LNI for three years trying to get my hand back to normal and finally be without pain. For three years I lived at a six on the pain scale, no doctors wanted to give me pain meds because they thought I was a junkie. The truth of the matter is I hurt that bad and all I could take was over the counter pills that did nothing for pain. 

After fighting two years to get my claim reopened, the LNI company that protects my employer has fought me every step of the way. I've been to a number of doctors over the years and been to several appointments just trying to figure out what I did.

4000+ miles of driving to and from appoints led to finally getting answers. They noticed that the tendons on my pinky and ring finger were not staying on the knuckles which was why my fingers drooped down and I couldn't bring them up unless I taped them to my middle finger. 

This whole process has been a nightmare, but once we actually knew what was happening (or so we thought) I was told I needed surgery. I didn't need a  doctor to tell me that, because my fingers didn't function. They said the two years of no treatment broke down the muscle in my hand, because my hand wasn't functioning correctly. Needless to say this led the LNI company to sending me to not one but four independent medical doctors who all said that this was all in my head. It took me going off on my rep from the private LNI insurance company to finally get them to take action. Simply threatening to get an attorney was all it took to get them to start signing off on things.

In November of 2012 my doctor was all set and ready to reattach the tendons but the LNI company kept rejecting for one reason or another but finally in mid December they agreed to pay for the surgery. 

January 17th came pretty quickly after that, and my tendons were reattached to my fingers and I started physical therapy rather quickly. Then came the second problem of me not being able to close my hand, which granted was better then not being able to open it. 

From January until June of this year I went the PT twice a week and was always doing my therapy at home as well, but I was still in pain. I kept wanting to cry every time someone touches my pinky cause to put it lightly it hurt like hell. Actually, my pinky hurt worse then the recovery from surgery. 

This left the physical therapist and my doctor a bit baffled and they didn't know what to really do other then continue PT and see if it improved. Well it didn't improve, the pain not only got worse, but the more we worked my pinky, it started to curve. They referred to it as my finger scissoring, and let me tell you it hurts. On a good day my pinky will sit on top on my ring finger and stay there which causes the least amount of pain. On a bad day it will rest under my ring finger giving me the most pain.

Well finally on June 4th I got to see the Dr again and he was still baffled by this curve in my pinky. So much so that it didn't even matter to him that after months of having hardly any movement of my hand, I could make a fist. To me that was exciting but being a doctor he was more worried about the pinky. 

After he took some X-rays he came back and showed them to me and the bones in my pinky were clearly not sitting right which explain all the pain. He believes that when I injured my wrist I either, broke, fractured, or dislocated the bones in my pinky, but he can't tell which happened because there is not previous X-rays of my pinky because no one listened when I said the pain shot up into my fingers.

So now that we know what was causing me so much pain, which is the fact that my pinky has to use the muscles in my arm to function, causing pain and tension in my wrist, we have to fix it. Now, you are probably thinking this is going to be an easy fix.... nope!

Not only will he have to find a way to recenter my bones after three years of healing and scar tissue, he also has to rotate the bones so my pinky will be straight again. He also told me that I have likely been dislocating my finger throughout the years, doing average everyday things and hurting it more because we didn't know about that particular injury to begone with.

So here we are, passed the three year mark of my injury and I find out I am having another surgery. Now, some of you may be thinking this is a good thing, that my hand will be fixed and life will be normal again. This could potentially lock my pinky up completely, leaving me with what I like to call... A British pinky. I would rather have my pinky always sticking out them scissoring my ring finger. 

Here is the kicker though, in order to fix the bones in my pinky, they have to break my hand, not the finger but they are literally going to cut open my hand and break the bone to rotate and recenter my finger. Then they are going to undo three years worth of scar tissue. Thing that gets me the most... I will get no cast!

I will be walking around with my hand broken and no cast for me because I will have to keep using my hand to avoid the scar tissue from forming again. Oh, and depending on what time I have surgery I could go right from the recovery room into physical therapy... Aren't I just the lucky one. 

With that being said, it took this LNI company over a month to approve my last surgery so I thought I had some time... Boy was I wrong. I got the phone call yesterday saying my surgery was approved. I was floored because I figured it would be August before we got any answers but nope, one phone call to my claims manager was all it took to get my second surgery approved. 

This caused a mad scramble in the home front because now we have a month to get things ready for me. My partner has to take time off of work because I won't be allowed to be alone for the first five-seven days. She has to give a months notice so she was on the phone right away with her work.

Then came telling everyone the surgery is just around the corner. Naturally people have a lot of questions about it and all I can do is shrug and say I don't know because a lot of the questions being asked, I honestly don't have the answers too. I won't know how long I will be in surgery. I don't know how they are going to secure the bone in my hand after they break it. I don't know how often I will need physical therapy. What I do know is they are breaking the bone, rotating my pinky till it sits right, breaking up scar tissue and releasing the capsule in my pinky because scar tissue formed over it and now it's stuck. Everything else will be a mystery until I wake up. 

I am not really looking forward to this surgery because of how much I don't know but the doctor said he won't even know until he gets into my hand and sees what three years of scar tissue looks like. 

I won't know how long I will be down, but what I do know is that I am so ready for this to be over. Thanks to my hand I lost my job, I have to drop my master's program, and I very well may lose my car because I'm not sure how much longer LNI will be sending me money. I do however know they want me off the books ASAP because I've already cost them over $100,000.00 in medical costs.

I am hoping when all of this is said and done I will be given some form of a settlement because the LNI place was such a pain and it took them so long to do anything I am not having a second surgery. To add insult to injury, I am right handed so for the last three years I have had to learned to adapt and accept there are things I simply couldn't do. There is also a bit of irony in this as well, because the Friday before my follow up with my doctor, I was releases by my PT to start doing normal house hold chores like washing dishes. I now have a 1lbs weight limit on my hand so I am back to not being able to do much of anything at all. 

I am so ready to be done with all of this, to have my hand back and be able to function on my own. To not have to worry about what I do with my hand. I'm ready to have a job again and finish up school. I'm just ready to be a fully functioning person again. Hopefully that will happen in the next three to six months, but only time will tell. 

So there you have it, the seemingly never ending tale of my battle to get my dominate hand back. 

Sincerely,

Gypsy

Being The Problem Solver

Hello Readers,

Today has been a bad day for me emotionally, and for a better part of the day I just sort of shut down, checked out, and basically didn't do anything that was productive. I get this way from time to time, because I have a bunch of people come to me at once trying to get my help. A few of my friends and family come to me to solve problems, because I am a psychology major and that means I have all the answers. Thing is, I don't but I end up having to come up with a solution to the problems or I am just not left alone. So lately I have been in this 'problem solution' mode, and stopped taking care of myself and started worrying more about others.

All of this started when I lost 15lbs and decided to share that with some friends and family and then everyone wanted me to tell them how to do the same. First off, I want to start by saying that weight loss is not that complicated, and there are like 100 apps in the app store that can help you if you want to lose the weight. Secondly, I have told everyone that I am following my Jillian Michaels app and she tells me what to eat what my fitness routine for the day is and helps me track my calories. I am not doing anything all that special, but even when I tell them that in order for them to know how they can go about losing weight I get weighed down by a bunch of other questions.

I am just going to lay this out there for all my readers now so that way I can just get this off my chest. I am not a fitness or nutrition expert! I can't help you figure out your diet, or tell you what you can do to help improve your lifestyle, these are all choices that you as a person need to make. If you want to know how I am doing it, I started looking into different programs and found the one that suited me.

I was listening to a podcast by Jillian Michaels earlier today and she was talking about an eagle, rabbit, and a turtle. She said that the species were so concerned about what they couldn't do that it became their focus. The turtle wanted to run as fast as the rabbit, and the rabbit wanted to fly like the eagle, and the eagle wanted to swim like the turtle. Thing is, no matter how hard they try they can't become the rabbit, the eagle, or the turtle, they have to be themselves and that is really what fitness is all about. The only thing I can tell you is what I did as my base plan to dropping weight. I found someone who inspired a change in me, someone who got me to think in ways I couldn't and I listened.

It just so happens that person is Jillian Michaels, but here is the thing, just because her program works for me, doesn't mean it is going to work for you. You may do better on a program by Bob Harper or J.J. Virgin,  but what it all boils down to is what suits you and your lifestyle.

I started by getting Jillian's book Unlimited, which was difficult for me to keep up with because of my dyslexia so I was thankful when someone kindly got me the audio version. I also listen to her podcast and listen to her book Slim for Life. This brought me in the direction of her app which I used at first to just count my calories. Then I learned that there was more to losing weight then just counting calories, that everyone's body needs different foods to function to be able to lose weight, AKA your metabolic system or oxidizer. These are things I can't tell you, so if you want to know how to start losing weight then that is a good place to start.

After months of research, and calculating gym memberships and whether or not I would actually go, I finally decided on paying the $4 a week for an upgraded version of Jillian's app. She gives me a meal plan and workout routines that fit my age, height, weight, and what i want my end result to be. So if you want to know all that information go to www.JillianMichaels.com and get started, I believe she gives you one week of free access to all the tools. I mainly use the subscription for support because I'm the only one in my life right now going down this venture.

So, there you go, now you know my secret, its that I don't have one.

Also, I have become this personal emotional bank for other people, because of my major. I don't mind talking to people and hearing about how crummy their life is going. I don't mind give some advice here and there, but what I do mind is people giving me their problems to solve. I don't have all the answers, and yes, I can eventually come up with them for people, but the thing is that all I do is get on google and search how best to help them. I am not a free therapist for people to come to, I am not even licensed as one. I seriously have enough of my own problems right now, that I don't really have the time or emotional capability to handle anyone elses.

The worst part about all of this, is the people who are coming to me for help, they know what is going on. I am looking at a second surgery for my hand, where they are going to have to break it in two places to get my  mobility back. I am out of a job, I have car payments to make, and insurance. I have to make it to physical therapy twice a week that is a 45min drive away. I have to put gas in my car, and buy myself food, not to mention that I have to worry about when my LNI benefits will stop and if I will be able to get a job quick enough to keep my car. I have a lot of shit going on right now, and I love my friends and family dearly but it is like they don't see that I have enough on my plate because I don't have a job, and I just 'sit around all day'.

I don't know if anyone out there is unemployed right now, but let me tell you, looking for a job is the hardest job you will ever have. Not to mention, I just lost the job of my dreams, the job I thought I was going to retire from and you know what... I wasn't given a reason. They fired me without just cause, because I was within my probation period, shitty part about it, they sent me a letter in the mail to tell me I lost it. So, I truly have a lot on my plate.

With that being said, I don't mind helping out with advice, but there is a big difference between me giving advice and me solving another person's problem. I get that life has dealt some people a shitty hand, but guess what, it happens to all of us. Having to do all of this has actually taken away some of the things that I enjoy, because I can't enjoy them because of how stressed I am. I am pretty sure that 15lbs I lost isn't lost anymore cause I probably gained some of it back.

What all of this has taught me, after sitting on my couch and crying for a better part of my day, is that I need to just worry about me. I need to get my life together and figure out what I am going to do because if I can't answer those questions for myself, then I am doomed to work dead end jobs that I hate. I want to make something of myself, which means that it is time for me to get selfish and that is exactly what I am going to do. It's time for me to take care of me, get my affairs in order and then, if I feel like I am stable enough, I can try and give advice to people, but for now I am done trying to solve everyone else's problems.

I feel like this blog as slowly turned into a place where I rant a lot, but that's okay. this blog is for me, and being able to get all this off my chest makes me feel better than I did a few hours ago. Thank you to those who stuck it through this entry, I do appreciate all my readers and hopefully here soon I will be able to get on to happier, more upbeat entries.

Sincerely,
Gypsy

Something for myself

Hello everyone,

So there are a lot of new and exciting things for me going on these days. First I want to start out by saying that I have lost 15lbs, and that is just from eating healthy and quitting soda. I am rather proud of that fact, because I did it despite everyone I know making fun of me for being on a 'diet' and telling me that I am 'missing out.' I am looking forward to the next phase of being able to work out and tone up a bit but I have to wait till after I see my Dr on Tuesday about my hand. I am hoping that he says I won't need a second surgery but at the same time I want it to fix what's going on now. Its is just a mixture of pro and cons for either happening so I am just waiting it out.

In order to celebrate my weight loss I decided to do something for myself, and that was color my hair. Now to some this may not be a big deal, but I didn't go with a standard color by any means. I colored my hair purple, because when I had purple hair I was happy, I like the color and I think it looks really good on me.

Before

Bleached

Finished

Aside from recoloring hair, I have also decided to write a book. It has taken me a lot of time to finally get the courage to write it, but I think it will come out well. Most importantly I am not writing the book to try and become someone famous, but instead I am writing it for me. I will try and get it published, and if it sells then it sells if not then I am not worried about it. I have nothing but time on my hands, so I figure that I could put it to use by writing a book.

I have something else exciting coming up as well, I will be meeting a fellow blogger, Danielle, you should head over to her blog, My Life According to Me. We are both participating in a Lulu And Sweet Pea's Summertime swap.

Other than that I have this new Elastic Therapeutic Tape on my hand to stop me from using my wrist as a way to move my fingers and it isn't the most pleasant. It hurts more than I expected but has made me more aware of how much my pinky and ring finger depend on my wrist to get movement. Other then that I am looking forward to the rest of the week. I am doing well when it comes to getting more activity in everyday and eating right. I am hoping to to work my way up to being able to do a full 20 min workout so we shall see. Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Sincerely,

Gypsy

Things I Don't Love (Hosted by: Lulu & Sweet Pea)

This blog is in response to Lulu & Sweet Pea: Click the images above to head to her blog and look around.

Recently I decided that I wanted to get into shape, because I wanted to feel better about myself. It was a choice that I made after seeing Jillian Michaels. I was also told by my doctor that working out and eating right would help my PTSD, so it was sort of perfect time. What I am not loving about the experience is the responses that I get. 

Now when I started this journey I weight 170 lbs and just overall didn't like how I looked or how I felt, so I decided to change that. Every time I tell people about it, they make comments like 'you're not overweight' or 'so now you become one of those picky eaters?'. 

First thing's first, I changed from eating processed to organic and all natural foods. It was my choice because a lot of the processed foods have pesticides in them and I am allergic to pesticides. It was a choice I made to get healthy, and so that I stopped feeling so sick all the time. Honestly, cutting out the foods not  only makes me feel better but without even utilizing exercise I have managed to lose 15 pounds. That was huge for me and I was proud of my achievement. I told people and at first they were like that is great, but then came the conversations of 'at least I still get to eat my favorite foods.' 

Here is the thing people, I am not missing out on anything at all. For every crap processed food that is out there, there is a healthier option. So with that being said, people can keep their high calorie, processed GMO, hormone, pesticide filled foods and I will continue to eat in a manner that makes me feel better. 

What I really want to say to all those people who instantly judge someone because they want to get healthy, don't get that twisted with going on a diet. I am not on a diet, I changed to a healthier way of eating and I have no intentions on going back. I count my calories every day, I pay attention to what I am taking in and what I need to make my body function at it's fullest. 

With that being said, I am not saying that I don't occasionally slip and fall back into old habits, but guess what, I am not on a diet! I am following the golden rule of Eat Less, Move More. I am currently tracking my calorie intake and burn through Jillian Michaels 360 program. It costs me 4 dollars a week but it is completely worth it. So to all of you who accuse someone of being on a diet, or being a picky eater, simply because they say they want to get healthy, stop! 

Here is why I say to stop, because a diet is something that someone does to lose weight on a temporary basis. I say temporary because people go on diets, lose the desired amount of weight and then they stop dieting. Know what happens next? 9/10 times the person gains all that way back, and why you ask? They have stopped dieting. Programs like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Atkins, and Nutrisystem are great diets to help get you down to your goal weight, but once you start these programs, you have to stay on them forever. 

It is so much easier to count your calories intake for a month, and after that you are pretty much capable of knowing how many calories you eat a day. We are creatures of habit, we tend to eat the same 4-6 meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So after 30 days (which is what it takes to form a new habit) you have trained yourself portion control so you won't always have to count calories. So! If you want to get healthy or lose weight there are a number of apps out there that can help you. Here are some that can help you if you are looking to get healthy and lose weight, and you aren't looking for a diet that once you quit you could gain the weight back. 

Jillian Michaels this is a free app when it comes to keeping track of your calorie intake. For $4 a week you can get a custom meal plan and workouts designed for your body type and learn your metabolic type. You also have the support of a great community of people. If you want to go all out and know exactly what you are burning in calories every day, then you can add a BodyMedia to your plan for free. I personally have the bluetooth band so I have the BodyMedia Fit App so that I can track my daily activity. 

                                        BodyMedia Fit App                     Jillian Michaels App

My Fitness Pal which is a free app that you can use to help you track your calories and fitness for no charge. 

My Plate which is also free and hosted by Livestrong.

So there are a lot of apps out there if you are looking to start counting calories. If you want to lose weight, then all you have to do is calculate how many calories a day your body naturally burns, and subtract 500-1000 calories from your daily intact and you will lose 1-2lbs a week without exercise, which means when you work out you are adding to that calorie deficit so you will lose even more weight. 

NutritionData BMI & Calorie Calculator is a website you can use to take your natural calorie burn. Never eat under 1200 calories a day! and if you want to lose more weight in a week simply work out more, but don't over do it. Also an important side note when you want to get healthy, take your current weight and divide it by 2 and that is how many oz of water you need to take in a day. For every 30 mins of intense exercise you do, meaning you are sweating, add 8oz of water to your daily intake. 

So, there you have it, there is a difference between wanting to get healthy and going on a diet. So please, the next time someone you know says they want to get healthy, don't look down on them, don't tell them they don't need to, or that they are missing out. Support their decision to want to eat better and feel better about themselves. 

Sincerely, 

Gypsy

It's Okay To Have a Bad Day

Hello Readers,

So the last couple of days have been hard on me, not that anything bad happened, but that I started fall back into old habits. I made my favorite kind of rice and told myself that I was only going to eat one serving. I dished out my portion and put the rest in a container to have another day... ya I ate the whole box. The next day I did the same thing, told myself I had self control to not eat the whole box and made my plate of food dished out my one serving again, and again I devoured almost the whole box. So then I decided that I was going to avoid cooking, just eat salads and things that didn't require me using the stove, then I ordered a pizza. Needless to say habits are hard to break but that isn't a reason to break down and give up.

Today I decided it was a good day to start over, because that is allowed. I went to the store and looked over various products read labels and made better choices. I stocked up my fridge and my freezer on things that would be healthy and you know what? I threw out all the things from my freezer that I didn't need. I got rid of my ice cream, TV dinners, and various other, bad for you products. It felt good to get all of that out of the house and get rid of the temptation. Now I still have several boxes of my rice left but I am going to use it so that I can learn to control my portions better. It is something we all have to learn at some point.

I find that I am constantly reminding myself that I am only human and that I am entitled to make mistakes. I think as a person we often forget that mistakes happen, they are things that we cannot avoid even if we wanted to. Our mistakes help guide us in new paths and through challenges in life. My mistakes gave me the drive to finally throw away all the things that tempt me and I will tell you what it felt good.

Not only did I throw away the foods that I shouldn't but I also invested some money in myself. I bought myself Zumba so that I could be more active at home. It isn't much but being jobless and having nothing else to do I figured I could at least try something. I know most would say that I should just go outside or go to a gym, well I have another complication that has the odds against me, I get exercise induced migraines. What does that mean exactly? If I do too much exercise then my head decided it is going to hate me and cause me to go to bed. Right now I am working with my doctor to try and find a treatment plan that will help me be able to tolerate longer excises but for now I have to keep things at a low level of movement.

It sucks but I am working with what I got, so for now instead of concentrating on the 'eat less, move more' I am focusing on eating less but still staying healthy. I am trying to walk more two, and this Jawbone Up has been very handy.

That is all I really have for now, I just want those of you who read this to know that its okay to have a bad day, or bad days, bad weeks, or even bad months. What truly matters at the end of it is what you do next. Are you going to continue to have bad days and drown your sorrows in self destructive ways, or are you going to do something about it? Me I am choosing to do something about it. If you need help, guidance, or just support, please feel free to leave a comment I will help anyways I can.

Sincerely,

Gypsy