My Dominate Hand

Hello Readers,

As some of you may or may not know, for the last three years I have had issues with my right hand. I have had to fight LNI for three years trying to get my hand back to normal and finally be without pain. For three years I lived at a six on the pain scale, no doctors wanted to give me pain meds because they thought I was a junkie. The truth of the matter is I hurt that bad and all I could take was over the counter pills that did nothing for pain. 

After fighting two years to get my claim reopened, the LNI company that protects my employer has fought me every step of the way. I've been to a number of doctors over the years and been to several appointments just trying to figure out what I did.

4000+ miles of driving to and from appoints led to finally getting answers. They noticed that the tendons on my pinky and ring finger were not staying on the knuckles which was why my fingers drooped down and I couldn't bring them up unless I taped them to my middle finger. 

This whole process has been a nightmare, but once we actually knew what was happening (or so we thought) I was told I needed surgery. I didn't need a  doctor to tell me that, because my fingers didn't function. They said the two years of no treatment broke down the muscle in my hand, because my hand wasn't functioning correctly. Needless to say this led the LNI company to sending me to not one but four independent medical doctors who all said that this was all in my head. It took me going off on my rep from the private LNI insurance company to finally get them to take action. Simply threatening to get an attorney was all it took to get them to start signing off on things.

In November of 2012 my doctor was all set and ready to reattach the tendons but the LNI company kept rejecting for one reason or another but finally in mid December they agreed to pay for the surgery. 

January 17th came pretty quickly after that, and my tendons were reattached to my fingers and I started physical therapy rather quickly. Then came the second problem of me not being able to close my hand, which granted was better then not being able to open it. 

From January until June of this year I went the PT twice a week and was always doing my therapy at home as well, but I was still in pain. I kept wanting to cry every time someone touches my pinky cause to put it lightly it hurt like hell. Actually, my pinky hurt worse then the recovery from surgery. 

This left the physical therapist and my doctor a bit baffled and they didn't know what to really do other then continue PT and see if it improved. Well it didn't improve, the pain not only got worse, but the more we worked my pinky, it started to curve. They referred to it as my finger scissoring, and let me tell you it hurts. On a good day my pinky will sit on top on my ring finger and stay there which causes the least amount of pain. On a bad day it will rest under my ring finger giving me the most pain.

Well finally on June 4th I got to see the Dr again and he was still baffled by this curve in my pinky. So much so that it didn't even matter to him that after months of having hardly any movement of my hand, I could make a fist. To me that was exciting but being a doctor he was more worried about the pinky. 

After he took some X-rays he came back and showed them to me and the bones in my pinky were clearly not sitting right which explain all the pain. He believes that when I injured my wrist I either, broke, fractured, or dislocated the bones in my pinky, but he can't tell which happened because there is not previous X-rays of my pinky because no one listened when I said the pain shot up into my fingers.

So now that we know what was causing me so much pain, which is the fact that my pinky has to use the muscles in my arm to function, causing pain and tension in my wrist, we have to fix it. Now, you are probably thinking this is going to be an easy fix.... nope!

Not only will he have to find a way to recenter my bones after three years of healing and scar tissue, he also has to rotate the bones so my pinky will be straight again. He also told me that I have likely been dislocating my finger throughout the years, doing average everyday things and hurting it more because we didn't know about that particular injury to begone with.

So here we are, passed the three year mark of my injury and I find out I am having another surgery. Now, some of you may be thinking this is a good thing, that my hand will be fixed and life will be normal again. This could potentially lock my pinky up completely, leaving me with what I like to call... A British pinky. I would rather have my pinky always sticking out them scissoring my ring finger. 

Here is the kicker though, in order to fix the bones in my pinky, they have to break my hand, not the finger but they are literally going to cut open my hand and break the bone to rotate and recenter my finger. Then they are going to undo three years worth of scar tissue. Thing that gets me the most... I will get no cast!

I will be walking around with my hand broken and no cast for me because I will have to keep using my hand to avoid the scar tissue from forming again. Oh, and depending on what time I have surgery I could go right from the recovery room into physical therapy... Aren't I just the lucky one. 

With that being said, it took this LNI company over a month to approve my last surgery so I thought I had some time... Boy was I wrong. I got the phone call yesterday saying my surgery was approved. I was floored because I figured it would be August before we got any answers but nope, one phone call to my claims manager was all it took to get my second surgery approved. 

This caused a mad scramble in the home front because now we have a month to get things ready for me. My partner has to take time off of work because I won't be allowed to be alone for the first five-seven days. She has to give a months notice so she was on the phone right away with her work.

Then came telling everyone the surgery is just around the corner. Naturally people have a lot of questions about it and all I can do is shrug and say I don't know because a lot of the questions being asked, I honestly don't have the answers too. I won't know how long I will be in surgery. I don't know how they are going to secure the bone in my hand after they break it. I don't know how often I will need physical therapy. What I do know is they are breaking the bone, rotating my pinky till it sits right, breaking up scar tissue and releasing the capsule in my pinky because scar tissue formed over it and now it's stuck. Everything else will be a mystery until I wake up. 

I am not really looking forward to this surgery because of how much I don't know but the doctor said he won't even know until he gets into my hand and sees what three years of scar tissue looks like. 

I won't know how long I will be down, but what I do know is that I am so ready for this to be over. Thanks to my hand I lost my job, I have to drop my master's program, and I very well may lose my car because I'm not sure how much longer LNI will be sending me money. I do however know they want me off the books ASAP because I've already cost them over $100,000.00 in medical costs.

I am hoping when all of this is said and done I will be given some form of a settlement because the LNI place was such a pain and it took them so long to do anything I am not having a second surgery. To add insult to injury, I am right handed so for the last three years I have had to learned to adapt and accept there are things I simply couldn't do. There is also a bit of irony in this as well, because the Friday before my follow up with my doctor, I was releases by my PT to start doing normal house hold chores like washing dishes. I now have a 1lbs weight limit on my hand so I am back to not being able to do much of anything at all. 

I am so ready to be done with all of this, to have my hand back and be able to function on my own. To not have to worry about what I do with my hand. I'm ready to have a job again and finish up school. I'm just ready to be a fully functioning person again. Hopefully that will happen in the next three to six months, but only time will tell. 

So there you have it, the seemingly never ending tale of my battle to get my dominate hand back. 

Sincerely,

Gypsy

Summertime Swap, Hand News, & Duct Tape Graffiti!!

Host Links:

My Three Bittles

Lulu and Sweetpea

Fortune Favors 11

This past Friday, I had the pleasure of meeting up with fellow Blogger Danielle,  from My Life According To Me. We had been paired up for a Summertime swap hosted by three amazing bloggers, and they are all linked above. If you aren't following these girl's blogs then you should, because all of them offer words of wisdom and support for people around them. 

After exchanging a couple of emails with Danielle we decided to meet up instead of shipping the packages, because it would save us some money on shipping, and because we had a meeting point that worked for both of us. I go up to Seattle twice a week so that provided us an idea of when and where we could meet up. Unfortunately, things didn't go exactly according to plan, because my physical therapist was running further behind then she normally does. This left us both scrambling to find parking and a place to meet before Danielle had to get to work. 

It was super fun meeting her and her daughter and it was nice to get to know someone in the area. I am hoping that we will be able to meet up again soon so we can talk more. 

Like a dork, I forgot to take pictures of what I got her, because I left it in my trunk because I have a tendency to leave things behind. So if you would like to see what I got her here is her summertime swap entry and also what she got me. I do have to say the S'mores candy that she got me came at the perfect time cause I was about to break down and buy stuff to make them. I haven't had one yet, but I am going to put it into my calorie allowance here soon. 

Normally I don't participate in things like this, because I am usually that one person who doesn't get anything, but when I saw that the hosts needed one last person, I decided it was worth the risk. I am glad that I did do the swap, it helped me step out of my comfort zone, mainly walking around in an area I didn't know, to meet up with someone I had only exchanged a few emails. It was awesome though, and I am looking forward to being able to do a swap of this nature again. 

Not only was it an awesome day because I got to meet up with a fellow blogger, but it was also the first time in nearly six months that I was able to make a fist with my hand. 

Pretty sweet huh? Ya, that is a huge accomplishment because we were about to give up and have me go on disability which I did not want. So I am hoping that this means that I may not need the second surgery, but if you notice in the photo my pinky is ever so kindly trying to tuck itself under my ring finger... it's not supposed to do that. Oh, and that black stuff on my hand is kinesio tape which is pretty awesome stuff. It is forcing my hand to use the muscles properly instead of my fingers using the muscles in my arm to move. It's spiffy and it is what helped unlock my fingers and make a fist. It's not perfect but it is a fist and that is all that matters. 

These last couple of days have also been something that has rather excited me, because I realized that I am becoming more physically capable of doing things. Like yesterday I did a 20 minute workout on my Wii fit, which was sort of disappointing because I only burned 55 calories. Then I did Zumba for 30 minutes and burn 130 calories, so I think I will be sticking with Zumba for now. Though today was pretty awesome as well because I walked 2 miles in 30 mins without stopping. It usually took me that long to walk a mile and I would have to stop several times, but today I did the whole walk without stopping once to sit down. It was a pretty awesome feeling. 

As I was walking I came across something rather amusing and fun duct tape graffiti! 

I thought it was pretty cool, but the people who had to take it off the barriers seemed less than impressed. Hey, at least it wasn't spray paint they had to scrub off. 

That is all I have for today. I hope everyone is having a good day!

Sincerely,

Gypsy

Being The Problem Solver

Hello Readers,

Today has been a bad day for me emotionally, and for a better part of the day I just sort of shut down, checked out, and basically didn't do anything that was productive. I get this way from time to time, because I have a bunch of people come to me at once trying to get my help. A few of my friends and family come to me to solve problems, because I am a psychology major and that means I have all the answers. Thing is, I don't but I end up having to come up with a solution to the problems or I am just not left alone. So lately I have been in this 'problem solution' mode, and stopped taking care of myself and started worrying more about others.

All of this started when I lost 15lbs and decided to share that with some friends and family and then everyone wanted me to tell them how to do the same. First off, I want to start by saying that weight loss is not that complicated, and there are like 100 apps in the app store that can help you if you want to lose the weight. Secondly, I have told everyone that I am following my Jillian Michaels app and she tells me what to eat what my fitness routine for the day is and helps me track my calories. I am not doing anything all that special, but even when I tell them that in order for them to know how they can go about losing weight I get weighed down by a bunch of other questions.

I am just going to lay this out there for all my readers now so that way I can just get this off my chest. I am not a fitness or nutrition expert! I can't help you figure out your diet, or tell you what you can do to help improve your lifestyle, these are all choices that you as a person need to make. If you want to know how I am doing it, I started looking into different programs and found the one that suited me.

I was listening to a podcast by Jillian Michaels earlier today and she was talking about an eagle, rabbit, and a turtle. She said that the species were so concerned about what they couldn't do that it became their focus. The turtle wanted to run as fast as the rabbit, and the rabbit wanted to fly like the eagle, and the eagle wanted to swim like the turtle. Thing is, no matter how hard they try they can't become the rabbit, the eagle, or the turtle, they have to be themselves and that is really what fitness is all about. The only thing I can tell you is what I did as my base plan to dropping weight. I found someone who inspired a change in me, someone who got me to think in ways I couldn't and I listened.

It just so happens that person is Jillian Michaels, but here is the thing, just because her program works for me, doesn't mean it is going to work for you. You may do better on a program by Bob Harper or J.J. Virgin,  but what it all boils down to is what suits you and your lifestyle.

I started by getting Jillian's book Unlimited, which was difficult for me to keep up with because of my dyslexia so I was thankful when someone kindly got me the audio version. I also listen to her podcast and listen to her book Slim for Life. This brought me in the direction of her app which I used at first to just count my calories. Then I learned that there was more to losing weight then just counting calories, that everyone's body needs different foods to function to be able to lose weight, AKA your metabolic system or oxidizer. These are things I can't tell you, so if you want to know how to start losing weight then that is a good place to start.

After months of research, and calculating gym memberships and whether or not I would actually go, I finally decided on paying the $4 a week for an upgraded version of Jillian's app. She gives me a meal plan and workout routines that fit my age, height, weight, and what i want my end result to be. So if you want to know all that information go to www.JillianMichaels.com and get started, I believe she gives you one week of free access to all the tools. I mainly use the subscription for support because I'm the only one in my life right now going down this venture.

So, there you go, now you know my secret, its that I don't have one.

Also, I have become this personal emotional bank for other people, because of my major. I don't mind talking to people and hearing about how crummy their life is going. I don't mind give some advice here and there, but what I do mind is people giving me their problems to solve. I don't have all the answers, and yes, I can eventually come up with them for people, but the thing is that all I do is get on google and search how best to help them. I am not a free therapist for people to come to, I am not even licensed as one. I seriously have enough of my own problems right now, that I don't really have the time or emotional capability to handle anyone elses.

The worst part about all of this, is the people who are coming to me for help, they know what is going on. I am looking at a second surgery for my hand, where they are going to have to break it in two places to get my  mobility back. I am out of a job, I have car payments to make, and insurance. I have to make it to physical therapy twice a week that is a 45min drive away. I have to put gas in my car, and buy myself food, not to mention that I have to worry about when my LNI benefits will stop and if I will be able to get a job quick enough to keep my car. I have a lot of shit going on right now, and I love my friends and family dearly but it is like they don't see that I have enough on my plate because I don't have a job, and I just 'sit around all day'.

I don't know if anyone out there is unemployed right now, but let me tell you, looking for a job is the hardest job you will ever have. Not to mention, I just lost the job of my dreams, the job I thought I was going to retire from and you know what... I wasn't given a reason. They fired me without just cause, because I was within my probation period, shitty part about it, they sent me a letter in the mail to tell me I lost it. So, I truly have a lot on my plate.

With that being said, I don't mind helping out with advice, but there is a big difference between me giving advice and me solving another person's problem. I get that life has dealt some people a shitty hand, but guess what, it happens to all of us. Having to do all of this has actually taken away some of the things that I enjoy, because I can't enjoy them because of how stressed I am. I am pretty sure that 15lbs I lost isn't lost anymore cause I probably gained some of it back.

What all of this has taught me, after sitting on my couch and crying for a better part of my day, is that I need to just worry about me. I need to get my life together and figure out what I am going to do because if I can't answer those questions for myself, then I am doomed to work dead end jobs that I hate. I want to make something of myself, which means that it is time for me to get selfish and that is exactly what I am going to do. It's time for me to take care of me, get my affairs in order and then, if I feel like I am stable enough, I can try and give advice to people, but for now I am done trying to solve everyone else's problems.

I feel like this blog as slowly turned into a place where I rant a lot, but that's okay. this blog is for me, and being able to get all this off my chest makes me feel better than I did a few hours ago. Thank you to those who stuck it through this entry, I do appreciate all my readers and hopefully here soon I will be able to get on to happier, more upbeat entries.

Sincerely,
Gypsy

I was nominated by "My Life According To Me" http://danielleislivinglife.blogspot.com

Requirements:
- Name your nominator and provide a link to that persons blog.
- Post 11 facts about yourself.
- Answer 11 questions from your nominator.
- Nominate 11 other bloggers.
- Ask 11 questions for your chosen bloggers.

11 Facts About Me:

1) I am a certified affiliated counselor for the state of WA.

2) I am working on my Master's in Psychology to become a therapist.

3) I am a huge gamer girl, I play anything from table top, to RPG board, computer games, and consoles.

4) for the better part of three years I slowly lost the ability to use my pinky and ring finger on my right (dominate) hand due to an injury from work. I'm currently going through Physical Therapy to fix it and may have a second surgery soon.

5) I am currently trying to get in shape and use Jillian Michaels 360 Navigation program to keep on track.

6) I like to make graphics using Photoshop Elements.

7) my left arm is covered in tattoos that are inspired by P!nk and her music.

8) I have worn glasses so long that wearing contacts makes me feel subconscious about what others may think.

9) I am engaged to my partner and we have been together for 4 years.

10) I hate shopping, especially for clothes, because it takes forever. 

11) I suffer from PTSD and have been trying to find a balance between using medication and eating healthier to keep it under control.

My 11 Questions to my Nominees: 

1. what is your middle name and do you like or hate it?

Can't believe I'm actually going to put this, Rebecca-Lynn is my middle name and I absolutely hate it. I'm actually going to legally change my name all together once I have the money.

2. where is your favorite place to go on vacation and why?

Um, I have never really been on a vacation but if I could go, it would be England because I love the culture over there.

3. what is your favorite thing to do, out and about, on your weekend?

I am unemployed, so it's always my weekend. I would have to say that gaming is my favorite thing to do, helps keep my anxiety level down.

4. how often do you workout and what are your workouts like?

I am currently working out 15-20 a day usually doing chores around the house. I have recently gotten into playing Zumba. I have to be careful with workouts because I have vestibular migraines that are trigger by to much activity.

5. what is the meal you would have as your last meal? 

If you would have asked me this a month ago I would say hands down, chicken pot pie. Now that I have started a new way of eating it would probably be Kashi Island Vanilla cereal with a banana and almond milk. Taste amazing I have it every morning for breakfast.

6. what are two of our favorite names?

Nikita and Josephine

7. what chore do you hate doing?

Cleaning the bathroom, I won't ever do it my partner has to.

8.What is your longest relationship? 

My current relationship 4 years and going strong :)

9. Do you have a favorite number? If yes, why is that your favorite number? 

13 has always been my favorite number and I always have the best luck on Friday the 13th.

10. Are you crafty? 

To an extent yes, but I do most of my crafting via photoshop. 

11. Do you or will you have kinds? How many?

I am not sure whether or not I will ever have kids. I have three cats does that count?

I nominate:

Amber: http://www.mythreebittles.com

Melissa: http://www.luluandsweetpea.com

Angie: http://www.mysocalledchaos.com

Chloe: http://www.rainbowsandhoneysuckle.com/?m=1

Lanaya: http://raising-reagan.com/

Heather: http://www.frugalfitfamily.com

I don't have any more tags to add :/

11 questions for my nominees 

1) What is your favorite TV show?

2) Who is your favorite actor/actress?

3) What one movie could you watch over and over again without it every getting boring?

4) What is your least favorite vegetable?

5) Who is your favorite music artist?

6) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?

7) If a stranger came up and gave you a million dollars in cash what would you do?

8) What is one of your guilty pleasure songs?

9) What is your dream job?

10) If you could meet one celebrity who would it be?

11) What is one thing you wish you could have done differently?

Have fun! I know I did :)

Possibility of setting myself back 3 years

So I went to physical therapy yesterday and my therapist said that my hand is at a place where I can start doing the circuits that JM has set for me on the app. To be honest I'm terrified of putting any weight down on my hand.

Three years ago I pulled the tendons for my pinky and right finger off the knuckle. It took them a long time to figure out what I did and over time I slowly lost the ability to use those fingers. During the time I also lost muscle in the palm of my hand and the doctor said it wasn't supposed to be that way, basically he could feel the mechanics of my hand and you are not supposed to be able to do that. Then we discovered I was born without a certain tendon in my pinky which was weird but kind of cool at the same time.

I don't want my hand to go back to the way it was three years ago or even 6 months ago. I go to do one of her circuits and get major anxiety thinking I can pull them off again. I've been told by the dr and my pt that this would be impossible because of the scar tissue that formed.

I want to get over this fear so that I can start actually like I'm getting what I paid for. I don't have much encouragement at home and I'm constantly reminded of the things I can't do.... Like make a fist or hold my steering wheel properly. I just don't know how to break the barrier, so to speak.

I listen to Jillian's podcasts, I have been listening to her books, unlimited and slim for life, I got the bodymedia to track my activity. I even got Zumba and have been having fun with that when I can. To add to my hand injury I also suffer from Vestibular migraines which can be brought on by working out, take on my PTSD and there are days where I lay on the couch and eat an entire small pizza from papa johns by myself. I also can't seem to get passed eating more then 900 calories a day unless I make some sort of crap processed food that I enjoy but shouldn't eat.

Needless to say I'm about ready to give up but everytime I eat crap I feel like crap and then I remind myself what happened at Jillian's show. She knew who I was from twitter and it made me feel great, and I decided if she could take the time to care about me and remember me from the 100s if not 1000s of tweets she gets a day I can do the same for myself.

I've never been very good at reaching out for help I've always been the one who finds the solution to the problem because I had no choice. So, I'm reaching out now hoping that somehow I can break this endless cycle of me giving up on myself. I figure if I put this out there that maybe it will help take some of the pressure off that I have out on myself because of losing my job and getting irritated that my dominant had doesn't work like it used to. All in all I just need to know and feel that I have someone on my side because while I logically get everything that is being said to me I am way better at helping others get healthy and fail at getting healthy myself.