Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Possibility of setting myself back 3 years

So I went to physical therapy yesterday and my therapist said that my hand is at a place where I can start doing the circuits that JM has set for me on the app. To be honest I'm terrified of putting any weight down on my hand.

Three years ago I pulled the tendons for my pinky and right finger off the knuckle. It took them a long time to figure out what I did and over time I slowly lost the ability to use those fingers. During the time I also lost muscle in the palm of my hand and the doctor said it wasn't supposed to be that way, basically he could feel the mechanics of my hand and you are not supposed to be able to do that. Then we discovered I was born without a certain tendon in my pinky which was weird but kind of cool at the same time.

I don't want my hand to go back to the way it was three years ago or even 6 months ago. I go to do one of her circuits and get major anxiety thinking I can pull them off again. I've been told by the dr and my pt that this would be impossible because of the scar tissue that formed.

I want to get over this fear so that I can start actually like I'm getting what I paid for. I don't have much encouragement at home and I'm constantly reminded of the things I can't do.... Like make a fist or hold my steering wheel properly. I just don't know how to break the barrier, so to speak.

I listen to Jillian's podcasts, I have been listening to her books, unlimited and slim for life, I got the bodymedia to track my activity. I even got Zumba and have been having fun with that when I can. To add to my hand injury I also suffer from Vestibular migraines which can be brought on by working out, take on my PTSD and there are days where I lay on the couch and eat an entire small pizza from papa johns by myself. I also can't seem to get passed eating more then 900 calories a day unless I make some sort of crap processed food that I enjoy but shouldn't eat.

Needless to say I'm about ready to give up but everytime I eat crap I feel like crap and then I remind myself what happened at Jillian's show. She knew who I was from twitter and it made me feel great, and I decided if she could take the time to care about me and remember me from the 100s if not 1000s of tweets she gets a day I can do the same for myself.

I've never been very good at reaching out for help I've always been the one who finds the solution to the problem because I had no choice. So, I'm reaching out now hoping that somehow I can break this endless cycle of me giving up on myself. I figure if I put this out there that maybe it will help take some of the pressure off that I have out on myself because of losing my job and getting irritated that my dominant had doesn't work like it used to. All in all I just need to know and feel that I have someone on my side because while I logically get everything that is being said to me I am way better at helping others get healthy and fail at getting healthy myself.

1 comment :

  1. I know we haven't known each other for a long time. I just want you to know that I do care and I believe in you. I know in my heart that you will succeed in all you do. Stay strong and positive. You are perfect!


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